#say they recently got into identifying cat colours. for a completely random example.

[marlinspirkhall]

I love gimmick blogs because every so often you get periodic reblogs about little details you'd never thought about before.

“Seventy". Seventy what? Vowels, apparently. "Ginger". Ginger what? This one is about cats. “A G C A G C G G G C A A A G G G G A A CA”? This is the sound of my DNA being stolen.

[blueboxsteastroll]

My Web-free Nightma... Adventure

In the Beginning

Any journey into the unknown (especially of this sort) should have some basic foundation blocks:

1. It needs to be time specific. Just saying that you will start something from this point onward without providing any goal may be too easy to just drop. Honestly, knowing that this experience has an end helps in more demanding moments.

2. You need to establish a set of rules that will make the challenge beneficial without being too constricting. 

3. Decide a recovery technique when you go off the course. Basically, when you cave at any point, you need to make sure you have the healthy method of picking yourself up.  

In light of this I decided to start a 40 day challenge beginning with Ash Wednesday. As it is both a religious and a secular tradition for many people to give something up (or take something on) for Lent, I thought it might provide a good motivation and time scale to try something myself. I have noticed a certain reliance on internet (looking at you, Youtube), especially in the recent 12 months when my life has been chaotic, uninspiring, unrewarding and any other ‘uns’ you can come up with. So the decision was made to drop internet for Lent to see how my habits would shape without it and where the compulsion came from. Nah, to be honest I started because I thought it would be fun  and entertaining and to discover what else I am addicted to (surprisingly not computer games anymore) and to write this little note, but those two also emerged by the end of the path.

Now, let's clarify the rules. I have opted against moving to a cave in the middle of Siberia and living off snow and insects to escape the internet, so I needed an alternative. I wanted this to be a helpful challenge and not an annoying obstacle to conducting a normal life, so as you will see below there were some allowances.

The Rules:

The Web Fast follows the western version of Lent and includes one feast day per week. Traditionally it is a Sunday, but I went for Saturday as it was easier to manage. This exemption did not apply to Youtube. As I had the biggest problem with it, Youtube was off limits for the whole duration of Lent. [I broke the rule to listen to music at work in the last week]

I could use any apps that mimic what the phone does (calls and texts), so for example although Facebook was off limits, messenger was allowed.

I could use any app that uses internet but is not directly connecting you to it. So for example, I could update my PC games with new patches and download content.

E-mail app was active in case of an emergency, but I left replying to messages for Saturdays.

OK, I’m ready.

Ash Wednesday – the Mountains of Boredom

OH MY GOD! That was the longest and most boring evening I have ever experienced (overstatement but still). Your mind is so used to being entertained and not being bored that it completely freaks out.

I was too tired to read, too lazy to play games (when did this happen? I need motivation to play computer games now?) and not tired enough to go to bed at 6pm. From what I recall, I ended up calling every friend I normally chat to on the phone just to do something to make the time move faster. I swear ‘time’ is the most maddening and subjective thing in the Universe. 

I should point out that I live alone and have no friends living in the same town which means that if I want to have an eventful evening, I need to organize that myself. It's so much easier to just watch cat videos.

The Wonders of the Mind

I did not expect this one and I am not sure how I feel about it. I didn't realize that using social media mindlessly helped to numb the amount of thoughts I can have. My mind refused to freaking stop and would go from one topic to another. The culmination of this was my lying in bed on evening with my mind imagining what would happen if my family died making me extremely emotional, to then switching seamlessly to wondering when the last time I used Pivot tables in Excel was, and then moving on to space monkeys as in an army of monkeys in spacesuits (I seem to go to space monkeys a lot when I let my mind wonder).  

Naturally, this extended to my dreams. I had already have a major problem with my dreams being the weirdest combination of things. Well, at this point they became much more vivid. I could often use more senses (like the sense of touch and smell) in them, and could remember colours and the language spoken more often. The strangest one, which doesn't happen that often to me, was the fact I had semi-logical thoughts in the dreams. I am usually a spectator (like watching a film about myself) but here I was able to also evaluate what was happening and to make moral judgments in the dreams. For example, recently in a dream I was thinking of how British I had become because I was being terribly polite waiting in a queue (that should replace the current citizenship test) to use the breathalyzer at a police station after I was pulled over for carrying my car over an ocean without a driving licence. Or in another one I was wondering if it was morally acceptable to receive cookies from a co-worker who mistakenly thought my parents were killed in Voldemort's attack on New York (I am not even American). I never had this level of self-awareness before. It calmed down a little after a few days but is still on a higher level than before.

Going off the path

Oh, yeah. I messed up a few times. I failed to book tickets for the cinema one Saturday and had to do it during the week. What I had to do, however, was making a list of what exactly I needed to do to book the tickets, so that I do not waver towards any other websites. Yeah, I told you I had a problem so shut your mouth. After that, I started writing down what I needed to do each Saturday on a little 'to do' list. There were few other things like that. You live and learn. Well, most times… which brings me to:

Binge Watching

What a wanker your mind can be. Anyone who has ever been on a diet can concur. It will use any argument to get you back to the place you started from. Oh, it's just a three tier chocolate cake. It won't make much difference. It's not as bad as a committing homicide. Same happened here. I managed to not succumb to Youtube cravings for most part, as this rule was very clear from the start. BUT I allowed myself to use Netflix, because 'it's more like TV than internet'. Asshole! 

It was not as bad as using internet, but some of the benefits diminished because of it. I used to binge food as part of comfort eating in the past and how my body felt after those sessions (sluggish, sick, numb) is mirrored by how my brain feels after binge watching TV shows. In the end, you just want to consume as quickly as possible and you lose the enjoyment of it.

Depression

Apparently, killing time online was the only thing that kept me from emotional breakdown. I must say, over the past few months I have been rather curious as to why I was not more depressed about my life and wasn't crying myself to sleep, binging on chocolate or fulfilling any other of the usual stereotypes. Now I know.

When you are not numbing yourself with media (or any other addiction of choice), and have time to actually think it can force you into places you tried to escape from. That was not fun or exciting and as I was not expecting it, got me a little panicked. So kicking and screaming I had to find other ways of actually coping with life.

If you suspect you have a problem with controlling your usage of anything really, just be aware it may be a coping mechanism for something you will need to deal with.

The Web

I wonder if whoever came with this name for the internet realized how entrapping it will be. Freaky and evil.

What I did not miss

I am one of those people who will end up on that side of Youtube, where all the comments can be summarized in: ‘how did I get here?’, almost every time I venture in, so I definitely did not miss getting completely lost in the internet. I also realized that the amount of choice and content, as well as the availability of it gives me low level anxiety attack. I only found that out when I came back to using the whole spectrum. There is so much I could watch and do online that I almost feel like I am obliged to use it in its full capacity – something that is not achievable. I can’t take the pressure.

For a similar reason I did not miss Facebook, as the variety of information on my feed is making me feel a little sick. I can be outraged and upset by one article/post to then suddenly move on to a video of a hamster in a Captain America suit, to then be surprised by a photo of Jeff Goldblum. It's just an emotional roller-coaster and apparently I can live without it. What I do now is bulk read the feed when I know I am able to handle whatever it throws at me. And honestly, most things posted there I can live without. If one of my good friends gets married, is having a baby or has an accident, I really should be able to find out about it some other way than reading it online.

What I missed

The amount of choice and content and its availability. Hehe, I missed everything good and wonderful the internet can do. I missed the connection to random strangers it provides, and seeing how bizarrely creative people can be, and participating in fandoms, and being able to learn so many awesome things. Things that can be lost when most of my time online is spent on killing it.

The other thing I missed was music. I do not have many tracks on my laptop and I tend to listen to songs and soundtracks on Youtube. Radio was a bit of a consolation, but I truly missed being able to choose exactly what I wanted. I did break the fast a little bit as I allowed myself to listen to some calming tracks when at work in the last week.

Conclusions

It had its ups and downs. I love looking at the pile of books I read during the time, the entries in my journal and the puzzles I did. Silly and insignificant memories, but at least ones I can identify. Sometimes, all I can say is that I was on the internet but what I did there is a little bit fuzzy.

I think the biggest part of it all was being a little bit more clear about my choices. It is so east for me to just mindlessly wonder through the internet without realizing that I am giving up my time to do so. We all have limited resources and I think something like time should probably be used with intent. I mean I am still happy to waste it on let's play videos or looking up pictures of space monkeys, but it needs to be a conscious decision to do so rather than a habit blindly followed.

I bet you have seen a variation of this quote online: 'If you are saying yes to something, what are you saying no to?'. Because everything is a choice, an exchange and sometimes it is easy to forget that when the 'items' are abstract. So now, go forth and be mindful, and leave me be so that I can go back to binge-watching Lewis.